DON’T SIGN THE WAIVER IT ISN’T A DREAM!!
They delivered on all fronts.
Child Unit Makeover
4
[Footwear Review] Birkenstock Sandals
I don’t know which one of you women woke up one day and decided that these are socially acceptable to wear, just because “they’re so comfortable.” It actually makes me want to fill a pillow case full of Crocs, and beat you with it. Now, don’t get confused. Wearing clothes for comfort is all fine and dandy, until you start thinking you’re gonna make some sort of statement. For example, if I see you out sporting your brand new Pulitzer dress, then look down and think my grandmother found a way to infuse her coconut oil and fountain of youth juice, I’ll punch you right in the mouth. No questions asked.
Before you freak out about my “punching women in the face” comment, let’s just think about the facts, they want to vote, drive tanks, run the country, ya damn right I can punch one in the mouth. Anyways, these sandals are best to be treated as handicaps pretty girls have to wear to make it even for the less fortunate, and for KFC buffet visits.
Score: 2.0/10
(Movie Review) Toy Story 4 (2019)
I’m a couple weeks away from turning 34 years old. Even so, I couldn’t wait to hit the old cinema opening day for the release of the highly anticipated Toy Story 4.
In a summer packed with franchise after franchise seemingly exhausting audiences because many of them don’t offer anything essential to the franchise, I had a tinge of worry in my toy-loving belly that maybe this fourth installment would fall well short of what I think is probably the best and most universally adored film trilogy of all-time. So did the film deliver on expectations? Continue reading
Having a Review Site That is Never Used
It sucks. It costs money that I don’t have and it’s stupid.
[Mini review] This humorously defaced $1 bill
When we decided to give Everyview another go, I couldn’t wait to start cranking out the extensive backlog of ideas that had stacked up during our extended absence.
But as it turns out, writing can be quite difficult when you’re an ambitionless idiot with marginal talent. So until I get my act together, here’s a photo of an amusingly defaced piece of legal tender, altered by a mind far zestier than mine.
[Concert Review] Explosions in the Sky at The Ogden Theatre
Overview:
Almost seven years ago when Everyview was first getting started, I penned a review for an Explosions in the Sky concert at the Congress Theatre in Chicago. It was my first time seeing the band and they blew my mind.
Last year at Denver’s Riot Fest and Rodeo, I finally got the chance to see them for a second time. I had a significantly better view right up at the stage this time, but one couldn’t help but notice the technical difficulties being endured by guitarist Munaf Rayani throughout their set. They were still great, but it didn’t quite match the flawlessness of the Congress show. Shit like that happens at festivals, and I definitely don’t hold it against the band. Continue reading
[Music Review] A Moon Shaped Pool by Radiohead (2016)
Overview: Guys, Radiohead released a new album today.
And it’s incredible.
Review:
Offering up their first album in five years, Radiohead returns to the scene with a melancholy (well, no shit), ambient technical masterpiece that solidifies their reign as the greatest band of the new millennium. And it isn’t just because of the music contained on A Moon Shaped Pool, though in itself that’s transcendent enough. It’s the way this band has endured over time and still found the ability to put something truly magical together each and every time they release something.
Sure, they’ve had their ups and the higher-ups (I refuse to say they’ve had any downs). 2011’s The King of Limbs wasn’t as well received as I believe A Moon Shaped Pool will be once enough pretentious bastards like me get a chance to give it a few listens and review it. It’s a return to form and an escape from form at the same time. It’s probably an album you can sort of imagine the sound of before you give it a listen, but that doesn’t mean it lacks surprises along the way.
And by surprises I mean those mo
ments when Thom Yorke, Jonny Greenwood and company take a song that’s going one direction and shift on a dime into an unexpected tune that ends up being more beautiful than you imagined. Over eleven songs on A Moon Shaped Pool, I never found a song that felt out of place, forced or redundant. As a total package, it’s a sweeping, epic affair that will please both diehard fans and also offers a great new album for newer fans to dive in and get to know them.
[Televisual Broadcast Review] Baskets Season One
Overview:
Having followed the career of Zach Galifianakis for a long time, I’ve always been sort of surprised that he became a superstar. As both a standup and actor, his style has always been so uncompromisingly odd and niche – even in his breakthrough Hangover role – that he never seemed like someone who would achieve significant mainstream success.
But he did. In fact, his star power became so big that when Baskets, the FX comedy series he created with Louis C.K. and Jonathan Krisel, debuted in January, it became the highest-rated cable premier in two years. And yet, when presented with this particular bit of audacious weirdness from Galifianakis, a good chunk of the show’s initial audience seemed turned off and by season’s end, viewership had dipped by almost 50 percent.
And that substantial loss of audience, dear readers, is a pity, because those people tuned out one of the best and most strangely endearing shows to hit the airwaves in some time.
[Quick Review] This Wooden Chair at 5 Guys Burgers and Fries
It looks like wood, but is actually made of metal.
Score: 3/10 (Deceiving, yet functional as a chair)
[Energy Shot Review] Love Energy Potion
Sigh… Love. What a beautiful thing. There is nothing more splendid that finding that one perfect match for you. The one person that matches you to the deepest degree. The person with which you can make sensual, sweet love for the rest of your life. Your soul mate.
Sadly, not everyone is equally able to find that elusive love. I am one of those people. No matter where I go, what I say or how I dress, women quite simply aren’t interested in anything I have to offer. Perhaps it is because I’m prematurely balding? Well, I’m also fat… that probably has something to do with it. I’m also blessed with a face that resembles a burn victim, though my scars were caused by years of teenage acne as opposed to the raging flames of a house fire. I know I’m not the only one. No, there are dozens of us! People who can’t seem to find love are all around you, sulking in the shadows of your happiness, holding a gun to our heads and masturbating with Kroger-brand unscented lotion.
However, many of us have our ways of finding women even if they aren’t interested in us. The only one I’ve ever participated in is drastically lowering my standards, accepting anything with a vagina and a heartbeat. Well… a vagina at least. Sounds sad, doesn’t it? The dead ones are much better than the morbidly obese, bearded man-ladies I often take home.
The other two options are ones I’m not so fond of, but I’ve heard they work. The first is slipping a rufilin into a girl’s drink, taking her home and having your way with her. The other is very similar to the roofie trick, only much cheaper. Simply grab a brick or large rock off the ground, and instead of slipping it into her drink, bash your selected lover over the skull with it. Same effect of date rape drugs without the expense and risk of haggling with a shady drug dealer.
Read the rest of this review!