Everyview:
Caffeine Critic:
Some of our regular readers may have noticed that I was gone most of last week, and in my absence our dedicated editor Casual Clayton “Joel the Jokester” Cunningham took over the site. Surprisingly to me, he was very humble about taking on these new responsibilities.
Anyway, regardless of how much everyone on the internet loves good ol’ Clay, I’m back in command. Don’t go running off on me, I’ll try to be as effective as Clay by making sure an astounding one review gets posted each week, unless he decides to intervene by writing a review of No More Heroes 2 while enjoying himself in Nashville, Tennessee like I had to do because productivity wasn’t staying optimal.
Regardless, things should be getting back to normal now.
Things are a bit hectic this week at Everyview HQ, as site creator/head writer/bastard who steals my ideas then quadruples my rate of success Zac Pritcher is vacationing in Memphis, Tennessee, walking with his feet ten feet off of Beale (anyone who gets this joke has made a friend in me for life).
While he’s gone, he has decided to pass on all the major editorship duties he usually handles, starting with the posting of this little weekly schpeal where we pretend to be delusional enough to believe we actually have readers, to me, Casual Clay Cunningham.
That said, I honestly don’t know exactly what is in store this week. Andrew Majors recently reviewed an EP by Tristan Clopet which I will post tomorrow. I myself may do an untimely and unnecessary review of an 11-year-old My Morning Jacket album, I haven’t yet decided.
Before we get into anything major, I feel the need to apologize in advance if the quality of work this week is a bit on the substandard side. Keep in mind I have never, nor have I ever desired to, run a website before, so I could prove to be in over my head. But no matter how bad it gets, everyone’s favorite manipulative bastard (who likely regrets letting me write this) will be back in a weeks time. Thanks, and please don’t give up on us based on this week.
Clay
Before we let you know what reviews we’ve currently got under way, we would like to apologize for the recent lack of posts. We’ve all been really busy and really broke. Really, really broke. But hopefully things will start to pick back up soon, as we’ve got a brand new writer joining the team this week. We’ll leave the introduction up to him, but hopefully he’ll bring a lot to the site.
Anyway, here are some of the reviews currently in the works:
Happy Valentine’s day, love birds! And to all you lonely, single people out there who have nothing better to do than cut yourselves while eating a tub of off brand “frozen dairy dessert,” Clay feels your pain.
Anyway, here’s a list of what we’ve got currently got in development. A little something to look forward to.
Zac
Clay
John
Brandon
Here is a look at what reviews we’ve got planned for your reading pleasure this week.
Zac
Clay
Andrew
Pat
Brandon
Happy February! Love is in the air and condom sales are skyrocketing this month thanks to Valentine’s day being right around the corner. Unfortunately not enough condoms are being sold, because I have a feeling teen abortion rates are going to jump by about 20% in March.
Anyway, here’s a look at some of the articles we have planned for this week.
Zac
Andrew:
Brandon:
Hey guys, hope all is going well. There really haven’t been any big changes or updates that we need to talk about this week. We are going to start adding a “Coming Soon” section to the Updates, starting with this issue. We won’t get to everything that we put on the list every week, but it will give you at least a decent idea of what to expect in the upcoming week.
Coming Soon:
Zac
Clay
Andrew
Brandon
I’d say that’s going to make for a pretty exciting week!
Yep, you heard right! We’re going to delve into the wonderful world of internet porn video reviews with our very own little show! Everyview: The Video Review Show, as it will be titled, will be released in episodes every… well however long it takes our fat, lazy asses to finish each episode. Of course there will still be plenty of mega sweet written content for our readers to enjoy, these episodes are simply an expansion.
For the first episode we’ve got three wonderful products slated for review: the Ped Egg, Sonic’s Super Sonic Breakfast Burrito, and the e-Cigs, a more environmentally friendly and high tech way to get cancer. Of course these are all subject to change for whatever reason, and we might even add something if it comes up in time for filming.
Until next time, keep reading Everyview! Oh, and click on some of the newly placed ads along our sidebar to make sure we get to eat this week. Zac and Brandon always eat, and it shows. The rest of the crew? Maybe you should pray for them tonight. They’re looking pretty sickly.
Holy Cow, it’s a brand new year and… nothing feels any different.
Dammit. By now we should’ve had pollutant-free gasoline for 6ยข/gallon to fuel our flying cars. Instead we’ve got war and a broken economy. I blame republicans and rap music.
Anyway, as is the case with every New Year, we are falsely promised a new beginning and presented with the opportunity to challenge ourselves to meet a New Year’s Resolution! We’ve heard them all. “I am going to lose weight,” “I am going to try harder in school,” “I am going to find a job,” “For every penguin I shave I will plant a seed in the city,” and the list goes on.
Of course, no one ever lives up to these hallow goals. Still, that doesn’t keep us from wanting to know what you’ve promised yourself to accomplish before 2011! Feel free to let us and everyone else know what goals you will be failing to meet this year in the comments section below!