[Food Review] Prepared Squid Jerky (Hot)

Posted on September 26, 2012 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

Yes. Prepared Squid Jerky. Shredded, dried, put into a package, and sold at the Asian Market.

What’s that? You think that sounds gross? If you think itsounds gross, you should smell it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky smells like spicy, old fish. Or a sweaty, unwashed, well-sexed prostitute snatch. And by snatch I mean vagina. And by vagina I mean ham wallet. And by ham wallet I mean vagina.

What’s that? You think that sounds like it smells gross? Then you should taste it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky has the stringy, stale texture of a dead girl’s hair. It is chewy like a water balloon. It is dry until you grind it between your teeth, at which point it seems to explode with fishy juices. Of course that’s just your saliva mixing with the powerful flavor of dried, prepared squid. Certain pieces pop in your mouth. I don’t know why… I don’t want to know why. The “hot” flavor is a mix of sweet, musk, salt and spice, which creates a really awkward, some say sickening blend of flavors on your palate.

Read the rest of this review

Ragin’ Cajun and Tangy Ranch Cheetos Review

Posted on February 26, 2012 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

Here’s a portion of a review for Ragin’ Cajun and Tangy Ranch Mighty Zingers Cheetos:

Throwing two different flavors into a single bag and calling it a day is certainly nothing new, as Doritos has been doing it forever with their Collisions line of chips. For Cheetos however, the idea of any flavor of snack crisp other than cheese or some variable of it seems ludicrous. That’s why New Cheetos Mighty Zingers caught my eye when they first came out some number of months ago. Sadly, they’ve been sitting in my locker at work ever since.

Luckily for you guys, I found them today (along with probably three other bags of chips, a box of cereal, some instant oatmeal, a bottle of honey, and a pair of women’s panties) and decided it was high time to give them a review. I really wish I could think of some clever joke to tell you right now, and throw a prominent “ZING!!!” onto the end of it, but unfortunately all I’ve got is a knock knock joke. Want to hear it? Read on, hungry reader.

Knock knock

I eat mop

EWWW!!! That’s gross! I can’t believe you eat your own poo!

“ZING!!!”

Pretty good, huh?

Read the full review over at Does it Hit the Spot?.

[Food Review] Doritos: Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips

Posted on June 5, 2010 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

Doritos has really been on quite the roll as of late. They kicked things off with the stellar Tacos at Midnight and Last Call Jalapeno Poppers, the first two flavors of their now renowned Late Night Line of Chips, and then built off of that success with All Nighter Cheeseburger, another stellar chip that literally blew my mind. With this success I figured it would be at least two more Late Night Flavors before the snack food giant decided to release any kind of strange flavor without the now trust brand labeled on the bag.

However, I was pleasantly surprised to hear about Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips, a very strange product with an even stranger name. Equipped with the Japanese treat known as wasabi — a very spicy seasoning somewhat comparable to American hot sauce (though not really, more on that in a moment), can I chock up another high score for Doritos?

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[Food Review] Pepe’s Duros De Harina Puffed Wheat Snacks (Sabor a Chile y Limon)

Posted on January 12, 2010 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

I took some Spanish in high school, a fact that might lead you to think that I know something about the language, but don’t be fooled. I only know the very basics. I can count to ten, ask where the bathroom is, get in trouble for sexual harassment, order a cheeseburger and french fries, insult a fat dog’s Grandmother, and ask for a swine flu vaccine.

You can try to argue with me and tell me that is useless knowledge, but as far as I’m concerned there’s nothing else you need to know when visiting Mexico.

At least that’s what I thought until I got my hands on a bag of the (deep breath) Sabor a Chile y Limon flavor of Pepe’s El Original Duros de Harina Puffed Wheat Snacks. Trust me on this, these things are mucho delicious.

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[Food Review] Salsa Fresca Rice Works Crisps

Posted on May 28, 2009 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

Alright, so by appearance I may be just your regular everyday mildly overweight greasy college student who, by habit, munches on nothing other than slippery burgers, tacos pumped full of over-salted beef and cheese-like sauce, and fries that drip grease and fat like an orphan sheds tears.

But that’s not entirely true, I also enjoy a good slice of shiny, well-lubricated pizza. Continue reading →

Pringles Restaurant Cravers: Mexican Layered Dip (Food Review)

Posted on May 11, 2009 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

Overview:

Everyone loves to dine at the fanciest, highest quality restaurants in town, but not everyone can afford it. So while the ritziest bastards are out having a blast at the local 5-star, you’re at home munching on bologna and cheese with a side of chips. But how jealous would your rich neighbors be if they knew you were able to enjoy the same exquisite flavor as their $26 appetizer in the form of a $1.50 can of potato-based snacks?

That’s the concept behind the newest line of Pringles products: Restaurant Cravers. Take the flavor or exquisite dining appetizers and, somehow, pack it in to a single can for everyone to enjoy. Think Doritos Late Nights, only no where near as good.

Review:

pringles-mexican-layered-dip-restaurant-cravers-super-stack I’ve never been a huge fan of Pringles, save a few flavors like Cheese and Pizza, with the occasional Sour Cream and Onion. They all just taste the same, you know? That and the fact that you can never get the last quarter of the stack of chips out because your hands are too damn big. Stupid can.

Anyway, I had heard some rumblings about how these products were supposed to be a lot like the Doritos Late Night chips, and since I love those with a passion that burns hotter than.. well, something really hot, I figured I’d give these a shot.

I grabbed a can of these while roaming the aisles at the grocery store in which I serve as an indentured servant (employee, slave, hostage, sex toy. Whatever you want to call it, it’s all the same to them) after clocking out for one of my few short breaks throughout the day. I took them upstairs and popped the top, not being able to control my anxiety for what I thought would be another amazing miracle chip.

I raised the cardboard cylinder to my nose, taking in a deep sampling of… cardboard. Damn can ruins everything. Shifting focus from aromatic sensation to flavor pleasure, I popped a couple in my mouth, drenching my shirt in crumbs as I chewed the stack of 5 crisps.

Disappointment.

But don’t get me wrong, these do taste a lot closer to Mexican Dip than you might think, it just takes several handfuls of conformatively-shaped crisps for it to start to hit you. At first you’ll think these are just another Pringles chip, one that tastes like the vast majority of the other flavors. Keep eating and you’ll soon realize your pallet has changed its mind, almost like it has accepted what it is eating. That’s when you start to taste, most notably, the olive with a slight rumbling of what could be backed beans and sour cream in the background.

Satisfaction!

Though it is slight, you’ll appreciate these new Pringles for being unique and having a distinct flavor that, more closely than not, reflects its name. As far as being compared to Late Night Doritos? No, gtfo of my house.

Final Words:

All in all I was pleasantly surprised with the Mexican Layered Dip flavor of Pringle’s Restaurant Cravers series. I feel, however, that they are destined to drown in the vast ocean of other flavors that exists on the Pringles shelf in every convenience store, which is a real shame considering they are a lot better than a lot of the other flavors that are out there. Not to mention they are about 50 cents or so more expensive than the others. No college kid is going to waste booze money on that.

And the stupid cans!

If you’re looking for miracle chips that taste like what they claim to be, stick to your Tacos at Midnight. Those are easily the best potato chips ever.

And to hold you over until we get to take a look at the other flavors, our friends over at The Impulsive Buy reviewed the Onion Blossom flavor.

Pros

Tastes a lot like a Layered Dip after you eat a few
Pringles are the funnest chips to eat thanks to their mass-produced shape

Cons

The taste of black olives is a little overpowering compared to the other flavors that should be present
Seriously, Pringles cans can burn in hell.

Score: 7.25/10 (Not bad)

Aroma: 7.0/10 (Smells like cardboard thanks to that damn cylindrical prison the crisps are forced to reside in)
Flavor: 7.75/10 (After a few crisps you’ll start to notice the flavor of olives and some other dip ingredients)
Value: 7.0/10 (More expensive than your standard Pringles, but not absurd)

Review: Doritos Late Night Tacos at Midnight

Posted on April 14, 2009 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

Overview:

You know how usually when you grab a bag of Taco flavored chips, they don’t really taste like tacos? Instead they possess a flavor that has been established as the official artificial taco flavor for potato-based snacks? Well those days are over, my friends, and it’s all thanks to Doritos.

The new Late Night Tacos at Midnight flavored Doritos are pure evolution in the most evolutionary manner possible. No longer must we settle for tortilla chips that claim to be the flavor of authentic Mexican cuisine. No longer must we take the lies fed to us in the form of salt and artificial seasoning on top of a corn chip. We now have something to believe in, the future of all snacking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is evolution in the works.