Apple Slam Headshot: Mega Energy Shot Reviewed on Caffeine Critic!

Posted on April 24, 2010 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

I’ve had this shot for a few months now, sitting on top of my mini fridge and gathering dust. I came across it earlier today while I was doing a bit of Spring Cleaning, and it fell out from under a pile of old porno magazines and Taco Bell wrappers. I was up late last night and was feeling a bit drowsy, so I wiped off the hand lotion and Fire Sauce that the tomb of trash it had been encased within for God knows how long and figured it couldn’t do any harm. I really needed the boost.

I really hope this thing doesn’t have an expiration date.

To read the full review, head on over to Caffeine Critic!

[Food Review] Burger King’s Whiplash Whopper

Posted on April 23, 2010 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

So it seems The King has joined forces with Iron Man to create a super duper promotional burger to push the Man of Metal’s highly anticipated new film, “Iron Man 2,” which I am effing sick of hearing about. Am I excited for the movie? Yes. How could I not be? Just looking at the cast roster for the film, which is loaded with at least one of every type of Hollywood badass out there, gets me pumped.

Do I want to see advertisements for this film every time I opening my eyes? Absolutely not. I already know it exists, and I already plan on seeing it whenever it is convenient for me to do so. Leave me alone, Iron Man 2, I’m tired of you hogging my magazines, movie previews, commercials and now my fast food menus. What’s next? Promotional free Iron Man 2 tattoos at select parlors?

Come to think of it, that would be sweet. Continue reading →

[Drink Review] Dewmocracy 2010 Lineup

Posted on April 22, 2010 by Casual Clay Cunningham

Overview:

Earlier this week, I reviewed three new Mountain Dew flavors the company has released in its most recent “Dewmocracy” competition. I was hoping not to have to discuss these products any further (especially after the very public humiliation I encountered by having my grammatical inaccuracies pointed out in a surprisingly sanctimonious string of posts from a young man who normally leaves us insightful and hilarious comments such as “SUP LADIES WANT DO SEX”), but Zac “Pritchy Boy” Pritcher had other ideas.

So here’s a recap… Continue reading →

Unbound Energy + Juice Review on Caffeine Critic!

Posted on April 21, 2010 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

Unbound’s logo reminds me of Unreal Tournament, a sweet video game that I really dig. It was because of this similarity that I decided I would probably also like Unbound Energy drink. I know, it seems silly, but when you’ve had as many rancid energy drinks as I have, it’s important to carefully choose your drinks to try to avoid drinking something akin to a cold can of moose piss. Here’s hoping.

Read the full review at CaffeineCritic.com

[Food Review] Taco Bell’s Salsa Roja Tortada

Posted on April 21, 2010 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

I always get super excited when Taco Bell comes out with a new menu item. Ever since they revealed my now-favorite Volcano Taco, I’ve found myself to be like a fat, zitty 20-year-old kid with an intense inability to control his anticipation for greasy new Taco Bell menu items with stupid names, made up or otherwise. Oh wait…

Taco Bell’s new Tortadas are just that — a new Taco Bell menu item with a stupid name. Believe it or not, though, the word Tortada isn’t simply the result of a corporate brainstorm where a bunch of old white guys try to combine names of Spanish food items to fit their needs (enchirito = enchilada + burrito). Perhaps even more stupid than that is the fact that tortada means “cake,” and Taco Bell’s Tortada is not a cake. It is a bunch of recycled ingredients wrapped up with a tortilla, grilled, and shoved inside of a Quesadilla wrapper.

Wanna know something else about Taco Bell’s Salsa Roja Tortada? It sucks. Continue reading →

[Drink Review] Mountain Dew: Whiteout

Posted on April 20, 2010 by Casual Clay Cunningham

Overview:

You wanna know something about writing three Mountain Dew reviews in the span of 12 hours? It’s actually a million times more tedious than it sounds. But with this, I’m finally done, so here’s my review of Whiteout.

Review:

To me, Whiteout, which is being called a “smooth citrus Dew,” looked like the least appetizing of all the new flavors. When I saw the bottle, it looked to me like someone just bottled up water that had recently absorbed about two dozen antacid tablets. However, a quick glace at the official Dewmocracy website shows it to be out in front of the other two flavors, including an early lead in my beloved home state of Indiana. So with such a solid word-of-mouth, I was a bit more eager to try it out.

Sadly, I quickly realized I should have maintained my skepticism, as this actually turned out to be my least favorite of the new flavors, and arguably the least appealing Mountain Dew creation I have ever come across. I didn’t struggle to finish it, but I was hardly jonesing to purchase myself a second bottle when I did finish. Continue reading →

[Drink Review] Mountain Dew: Distortion

Posted on April 20, 2010 by Casual Clay Cunningham

Overview:

When one promises to do a series of reviews, they should probably take into consideration if anyone actually cares enough about the topic to merit additional posts.

Oh well, I promised to review all three new Mountain Dew Flavors, and seeing as how I’m contractually obligated to do so, here’s my take on Distortion.

Review:

Of all the new Dew flavors competing to find a permanent spot on store shelves nationwide, Distortion, a “lime blasted Dew,” seemingly has the biggest obstacle to overcome. Both the drink and the bottle look almost identical to the company’s trademark regular flavor, making it almost impossible for a casual shopper to differentiate it from a bottle of regular Mountain Dew. Ultimately, this would just lead to customer disappointment, as regular Mountain Dew is quite a bit better.

Even more perplexing about the bottle is that it was the result of a fan design contest. Apparently the best anyone could do with a lime flavored mountain dew is a regular Mountain Dew bottle without the sketches of mountains. So congratulations Ben Stone, you’ve accomplished the equivalent of winning an art contest by painting American Gothic sans the pitchfork. Continue reading →

[Drink Review] Mountain Dew: Typhoon

Posted on April 19, 2010 by Casual Clay Cunningham

Overview:

I’ve been a fan of Mountain Dew since I was a kid. I’ve continued to like it into my young adulthood, despite reports that it’s a “white trash” beverage, which greatly contradicts the very sophisticated lifestyle I live. I’ve even grown fond of product offshoots like “Code Red” and “Livewire.”

So when I heard the company was introducing three new flavors, called “Typhoon,” “Distortion” and “Whiteout,” in a promotion entitled Dewmocracy, where consumers get to decide which one becomes a permanent fixture in the Mountain Dew catalog, it’s safe to say I reached an excitement level that could be described as moderate to semi-moderate. And as it happens every time one of us here at Everyview discovers a new product, we feel a great sense of self-importance and get the idea we’re actually worthy enough to decide whether or not the public should be interested.

So with that said, I’ve decided to make my opinions heard on which one is most deserving of a slot in convenient store coolers. I’ll begin with Typhoon. Continue reading →

Mild Cocaine Review on Caffeine Critic

Posted on April 18, 2010 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

I have stated before that the original, uncut Cocaine Energy Drink easily ranks as my second favorite energy drink of all time, ranking just below Monster, for several reasons. Not only does it provide a substantial kick that few drinks can rival, but it also has one of the most unique and memorable flavors I’ve ever experienced from any energy drink.

Cocaine Mild is essentially the exact same thing as the original Hot & Spicy flavor, sans the hot and spicy attributes that give your throat that trademark burning sensation. While that unexpected amount of heat is a turn off to some, I find it one of my favorite things about the drink. Without that comforting warmth tearing away at the tissue of my throat, does Mild Cocaine still impress me as much as its parent drink?

Read the full review at CaffeineCritic.com

Introducing a New Site From Everyview!

Posted on April 17, 2010 by XAQuiri Daiquiri

That’s right, boys and girls, Everyview.com has been unknowingly pregnant for 8 months (the baby’s a bit premature, and it’s got a gnarled hand and an exposed spine) and the fruits of our awesome genitals have just spat out a sweet new website!

CaffeineCritic.com is going to be the new home of all of the energy drink and caffeine-related posts that would normally go up on this site, but now they get to run free in a vast meadow, chasing chickens and whatever else cramped reviews do when they get more room to play. There will still be links to those reviews posted here, though, so you guys can know whenever a new review goes up.