Category Archives: Energy Drinks

[Energy Shot Review] Love Energy Potion

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Sigh… Love. What a beautiful thing. There is nothing more splendid that finding that one perfect match for you. The one person that matches you to the deepest degree. The person with which you can make sensual, sweet love for the rest of your life. Your soul mate.

Sadly, not everyone is equally able to find that elusive love. I am one of those people. No matter where I go, what I say or how I dress, women quite simply aren’t interested in anything I have to offer. Perhaps it is because I’m prematurely balding? Well, I’m also fat… that probably has something to do with it. I’m also blessed with a face that resembles a burn victim, though my scars were caused by years of teenage acne as opposed to the raging flames of a house fire. I know I’m not the only one. No, there are dozens of us! People who can’t seem to find love are all around you, sulking in the shadows of your happiness, holding a gun to our heads and masturbating with Kroger-brand unscented lotion.

However, many of us have our ways of finding women even if they aren’t interested in us. The only one I’ve ever participated in is drastically lowering my standards, accepting anything with a vagina and a heartbeat. Well… a vagina at least. Sounds sad, doesn’t it? The dead ones are much better than the morbidly obese, bearded man-ladies I often take home.

The other two options are ones I’m not so fond of, but I’ve heard they work. The first is slipping a rufilin into a girl’s drink, taking her home and having your way with her. The other is very similar to the roofie trick, only much cheaper. Simply grab a brick or large rock off the ground, and instead of slipping it into her drink, bash your selected lover over the skull with it. Same effect of date rape drugs without the expense and risk of haggling with a shady drug dealer.

Read the rest of this review!

[Energy Review] Barium Energy Powder (Black Cherry)

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I am sad to say  I have been poisoned. Yes, poisoned. By Barium.

Oh wait… Are you telling me it was just a candy? Well then! Nevermind. I’ll be perfectly fine. Barium Energy Powderis one of the newer flavors ofpowders made by Harcos Labs. I have had a lot of horrible-tasting powders just like my fellow reviewer has had horrible mints.

I was a bit sketchy about trying the powder from Harcos Labs because of these previous experiences. So, I just ordered one tube and I am wishing I had ordered more. Find out why in a second…

Read the rest of Kat’s review!

[Energy Drink Review] Whoopass Energy Supplement

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Whoopass Energy DrinkHere’s a portion of Kat Leonard’s review posted on our sister site Caffeine Critic:

I don’t really have a lot of times when I actually NEED to open up a can of Whoopass, but that doesn’t mean I won’t when the time calls for it. Oh yes. I am willing and able to open up that can. Usually when I do open it I’m trying to pwn n00bs on Xbox Live rather than actually getting into the ring like the MMA’s Ryan Bader, the most-known endorser of this drink.

Supposedly this stuff isn’t just for energy, but for helping in muscle recovery after a long workout session. There are actually a few drinks and shots that align themselves with being for physical exertion rather than a gamer or someone at work needing that boost to get rid of the sleepies after lunch. Honestly, I think I fall more into the gamer category more than anything else.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

[Energy Review] Revive Energy Mints

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Here’s a portion of a review on Caffeine Critic:

Revive mints look standard enough. About the size of a dime and the color of a Mucinex Tablet. The mint has a very smooth texture, based off appearance, and it has an appetizingly fresh, minty aroma. Everything seems to point to what is sure to be a very enjoyable experience.

However, a lot of that changes when you actually put the mint in your mouth. With a good mint, you can leave it in your mouth for a while, simply sucking on it and keeping your breath kissably fresh, though I do admit that it takes a lot more than a mint for me to be able to kiss a girl. Usually a brick to the back of their skull. I digress… Revive mints immediately begin to lose their super smooth texture as soon as they hit your saliva, slowly turning into a crumbly mess. It becomes gritty and texturally gross, and is a lot like sucking on sand.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

 

[Energy Drink Revew] Red Bird Energy Drink

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Here’s a portion of a review for the Louisville Cardinals Red Bird Energy Drink:

Energy drink brands licensed by sports teams or athletes almost always suck.

Really.

The closest thing I’ve had to an energy drink endorsed by a pro sports athlete was Amp Tradin’ Paint, and that was licensed to the Dale Earnhardt Jr. name, and he’s not an athlete. He’s a race car driver. And anyone who thinks Nascar drivers are athletes, or that Nascar driving could ever be considered a sport is an idiot. That’s like saying cheerleading or women’s basketball are sports.

Read the full review on Caffeine Critic.

Theazine Energy Supplement Review on Caffeine Critic

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Theazine supplement review

Here’s a portion of a review for Theazine Energy Supplement:

Generally speaking, energy pills aren’t really my thing, and I’m not quite sure why. You can get as much caffeine out of a couple of tiny capsules as you can from an entire leading brand energy drink, only without all the sugars, carbs, and sodium often associated with highly caffeinated beverages. So when the good folks behind Theazine offered to send me a bottle of their product for review, I hesitated a bit before deciding to accept it.

Now I’ve meddled with energy supplements before, once to be exact, and had a very bad experience — a fact that likely attributes to my reluctance to ingest the pills now. I remember it vividly. I was taking a night class, algebra to be exact, during my senior year of high school when a fellow student offered me some supplements he’d stolen from a gas station before class was in session. Then, somehow, I ended up taking like six of them, likely due to a dare, and almost instantly regretted it. I felt dizzy, nautious, and my skin turned a strange speckled color combination of red and cream. And then I puked.

Looking back on that instance, I was an idiot.

Read the full review on our sister site, Caffeine Critic!

[Energy Drink Review] Rumba Energy Juice

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Here’s a portion of a review posted on Caffeine Critic:

Popping the tab, I am met with a refreshing and invigorating orange aroma that instantly floods your mouth with anticipatory saliva. It has a nice balance of tangy and sweet, though is a bit heavy on the sour side, and smells like it would be the perfect drink to accompany my breakfast.

Rumba isn’t really as enjoyable to drink as I had hoped, but most of that is attributed to the slightly-too-thick texture. The flavor is just fine, with appropriate levels of tanginess, sour, and sweet balanced in the unique blend of juices. The most prominent flavor is orange, but there are also Rumbalings (get it? Rumba…lings? Rumblings? Get it?) of peach and apple in there as well, making for a very pleasant cocktail of fruit flavors.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

[Energy Drink Review] Xyience Xenergy: Lemon Blast

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Here’s a portion of a review on Caffeine Critic:

I’m sure that a lot of you who don’t know me assume that I’m an exceptionally fat, lazy sonofabitch that sits on his ass all day and does very little with the chemical energy I put into my body, instead letting it sit and be absorbed into my growing collection of pounds and thigh dimples. If you ask anyone who’s met me, they’ll tell you that, for the most part, you are right.

But that’s not true. I put my energy drinks towards great use to accomplish many amazing feats. No, not contracting diabetes. Jerks. I like to ride my bike a lot. I enjoy adventuring outdoors. I go to the gym every once and a while for strength training. But more important than any of those, I’m currently playing through Metroid Prime: Trilogy. The whole thing. All three games. From start to finish. I need the energy more than any physically active person out there.

So I figured since Xenergy is the official energy drink of the UFC, it would probably be up to the task of helping me collect all twelve artifacts in the first Metroid Prime.

Read the full review on CaffeineCritic.com!

[Energy Drink Review] Free Sin Vitality Drink: Greed (Lemon)

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Here’s a portion of a review posted on CaffeineCritic.com:

Sins you can commit without consequence are awesome. Things like becoming a Catholic Priest and swearing celibacy for The Lord only to turn around and molest small boys are usually fair game for all God-loving individuals. It’s also great to claim to love God and all of His children only to turn around and tell racist jokes about how worthless blacks and Mexicans are. Not to mention gay bashing. All of those sins are quite delightful, and there’s no way God would ever get mad at you for doing any of that!

This stuff isn’t a “Get Out of Hell Free” card, but instead a sugar free version of the Sin Vitality Drink I reviewed last week. Drinking Free Sin isn’t going to help you get away with murder in the eyes of our Father, unless you’re killing any man or woman of Middle-Easter descent, especially those bastards that built that Mosque by Ground Zero, but it does give diabetics that chance to Drink in Sin without losing their left foot a week later.

Be sure to read the full Caffeine Critic review by clicking here!

[Energy Drink Review] Sin Vitality Drink: Greed

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Here’s a portion of a review from Caffeine Critic:

Sinning is bad. Sinning is deliberate disregard for the rules and regulations for human behavior set forth by the Holy Bible. And that is bad. If you don’t believe in the bible, sinning could be defined as disregard for the rules and regulations for human behavior set forth by society. You know, your peers, your friends, your social groups, cops. Especially cops.

Drinking Sin is nowhere near as bad as committing sin. Killing babies, drowning babies, punching babies, suffocating babies, burning babies, choking babies, dropping babies, spilling babies, throwing babies, bashing babies, tripping babies, pushing babies, mocking babies, eating babies, drinking babies, stealing babies, shooting babies, buying babies, selling babies, puking babies, cooking babies, losing babies, hiding babies, and mowing babies. Babies, babies, babies! What am I, some kind of Baby Rights Activist?

Come to think of it, no. No I’m not.

Don’t forget to read the full review!