Author Archives: XAQuiri Daiquiri

Apple Slam Headshot: Mega Energy Shot Reviewed on Caffeine Critic!

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I’ve had this shot for a few months now, sitting on top of my mini fridge and gathering dust. I came across it earlier today while I was doing a bit of Spring Cleaning, and it fell out from under a pile of old porno magazines and Taco Bell wrappers. I was up late last night and was feeling a bit drowsy, so I wiped off the hand lotion and Fire Sauce that the tomb of trash it had been encased within for God knows how long and figured it couldn’t do any harm. I really needed the boost.

I really hope this thing doesn’t have an expiration date.

To read the full review, head on over to Caffeine Critic!

[Food Review] Burger King’s Whiplash Whopper

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So it seems The King has joined forces with Iron Man to create a super duper promotional burger to push the Man of Metal’s highly anticipated new film, “Iron Man 2,” which I am effing sick of hearing about. Am I excited for the movie? Yes. How could I not be? Just looking at the cast roster for the film, which is loaded with at least one of every type of Hollywood badass out there, gets me pumped.

Do I want to see advertisements for this film every time I opening my eyes? Absolutely not. I already know it exists, and I already plan on seeing it whenever it is convenient for me to do so. Leave me alone, Iron Man 2, I’m tired of you hogging my magazines, movie previews, commercials and now my fast food menus. What’s next? Promotional free Iron Man 2 tattoos at select parlors?

Come to think of it, that would be sweet. Continue reading →

Unbound Energy + Juice Review on Caffeine Critic!

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Unbound’s logo reminds me of Unreal Tournament, a sweet video game that I really dig. It was because of this similarity that I decided I would probably also like Unbound Energy drink. I know, it seems silly, but when you’ve had as many rancid energy drinks as I have, it’s important to carefully choose your drinks to try to avoid drinking something akin to a cold can of moose piss. Here’s hoping.

Read the full review at CaffeineCritic.com

[Food Review] Taco Bell’s Salsa Roja Tortada

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I always get super excited when Taco Bell comes out with a new menu item. Ever since they revealed my now-favorite Volcano Taco, I’ve found myself to be like a fat, zitty 20-year-old kid with an intense inability to control his anticipation for greasy new Taco Bell menu items with stupid names, made up or otherwise. Oh wait…

Taco Bell’s new Tortadas are just that — a new Taco Bell menu item with a stupid name. Believe it or not, though, the word Tortada isn’t simply the result of a corporate brainstorm where a bunch of old white guys try to combine names of Spanish food items to fit their needs (enchirito = enchilada + burrito). Perhaps even more stupid than that is the fact that tortada means “cake,” and Taco Bell’s Tortada is not a cake. It is a bunch of recycled ingredients wrapped up with a tortilla, grilled, and shoved inside of a Quesadilla wrapper.

Wanna know something else about Taco Bell’s Salsa Roja Tortada? It sucks. Continue reading →

Mild Cocaine Review on Caffeine Critic

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I have stated before that the original, uncut Cocaine Energy Drink easily ranks as my second favorite energy drink of all time, ranking just below Monster, for several reasons. Not only does it provide a substantial kick that few drinks can rival, but it also has one of the most unique and memorable flavors I’ve ever experienced from any energy drink.

Cocaine Mild is essentially the exact same thing as the original Hot & Spicy flavor, sans the hot and spicy attributes that give your throat that trademark burning sensation. While that unexpected amount of heat is a turn off to some, I find it one of my favorite things about the drink. Without that comforting warmth tearing away at the tissue of my throat, does Mild Cocaine still impress me as much as its parent drink?

Read the full review at CaffeineCritic.com

Introducing a New Site From Everyview!

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That’s right, boys and girls, Everyview.com has been unknowingly pregnant for 8 months (the baby’s a bit premature, and it’s got a gnarled hand and an exposed spine) and the fruits of our awesome genitals have just spat out a sweet new website!

CaffeineCritic.com is going to be the new home of all of the energy drink and caffeine-related posts that would normally go up on this site, but now they get to run free in a vast meadow, chasing chickens and whatever else cramped reviews do when they get more room to play. There will still be links to those reviews posted here, though, so you guys can know whenever a new review goes up.

[Energy Drink Review] RockStar Recovery

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Straight from the Can:

ROCKSTAR RECOVERY is designed for those who need a strong energy boost when it counts – plus maximum recovery and hydration. B-vitamins, caffeine, electrolytes, and ROCKSTAR’s potent herbal blend are formulated to deliver that extra kick. Fully refreshing lemonade flavor made with real lemon juice, RECOVERY is smooth, powerful and easy to drink.

I generally don’t enjoy RockStar products. They are usually salty, sour, bitter messes that perform well below the standard set forth by energy drinks such as Monster. Still, when I saw Recovery’s brilliant yellow can with a flat black top and red tab, I knew I had to spend my hard-earned money on the drink so I could waste my valuable time writing a review for you guys to ignore. It’s totally worth it in the end.

Continue reading →

[Energy Drink Review] Efusjon Raw

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Straight from the can:

The all natural antioxidant/energy drink you have been looking for is finally here. It offers remarkable taste, packs tremendous energy and delivers health and vitality! Whether you’re 18 or 80, Efusjon’s “Raw”, is a delicious energy drink that gives your body exactly what it needs to thrive throughout the day! The rich, smooth flavor of Efusjon’s “Raw”, is a taste that you can enjoy anytime – completely guild-free.

So start your day with the delicious, nutritious energy your body and taste buds will crave! Cheers! Continue reading →

[Game Review] Red Steel 2 (Wii)

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System: Wii (Exclusive)
Developer: Ubisoft Paris
Publisher: Ubisoft
Genre: FPS

Ever since the Wii was announced, gamers have been dreaming of using their Wiimote to control a sword. Picking up on that early anticipation, Ubisoft started development of a game called Red Steel. The title was a Wii exclusive first-person shooter, built from the ground up for the system, where players could not only blast foes into oblivion, but they were also given the ability duke it out in one-on-one sword fights. Nintendo fans were ecstatic.

But when the game finally arrived right next to the Wii hardware, it was just plain awful. The controls were painful, the story was bad, there was no online multiplayer, and worst of all the swordplay was atrocious. It was nothing like Wii gamers had hoped it would be. Now Ubisoft is back with Red Steel 2, a dramatic reboot of the entire series, ditching anything that would relate it to the first game besides the namesake. This time around, the game kicks ass.

Continue reading →

[Food Review] Bacon Cheddar Crisp Unbelieva-Burger (Rally’s)

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I love Rally’s, which a lot of people find weird. I think it is because most people automatically connect Rally’s with their NASCAR promotions. And when people think of NASCAR, they think of white trash. While I don’t consider myself to be white trash, I live in what could easily be considered a white trash town. The city of Terre Haute, IN is a place where you’ll find plenty of overweight dudes with mullets and tattoos of Satan living in a garbage receptacle on their forearm. It’s a place where a vast community of meth addicts take pride in how many teeth they have lost and enjoy showing off their needle tracks. A place where, if you’re lucky, the sewage plant is overflowed and the whole city smells like human feces.

Needless to say this city runs through my veins, and it is with my heritage that I have inherited a fondness for mullets and a love for Rally’s. I was fairly excited earlier today when I drove up through the drive-thru, craving something cheap and greasy, and saw a sign for their new $1 Unbelieva-Burgers. What a deal! I ordered the Bacon Cheddar Crisp, figuring it would be my safest best as it easily seems like the most accessible of the three burgers, got some fries and a soda, and drove off to enjoy my cheap meal. Continue reading →