Recently I chronicled my disgusted infatuation with the occasionally horrendous, but consistently wallet-friendly Banquet Microwavable Meals. And while I stand behind by lackadaisical eating habits, there are just some special occasions where even the laziest of us want to treat ourselves to a nice meal. In my case, the definition of “nice” is limited to using the oven as opposed to the microwave.

So after some typical rowdy Friday night shenanigans (spending 25 minutes debating whether or not to do dishes or laundry before realizing, hey, I can do both!) I had worked up quite an appetite; an appetite which I felt only my seldom-used stove could alleviate.

Of course the appliance isn’t what makes or breaks a dining experience, and while there were various quality products I could have cooked in said appliance, Kroger’s Boneless, Skinless Chicken Thighs is not such a product.

Review:

This is the type of food that completely deflates you the second you see it in its prepared state. As I stared down at the grizzled mess in front of me, I felt as if I could see the future, and that future was riddled with diarrhea. I don’t mean “funny story to tell my friends” diarrhea, I mean “oh my God, I actually feel the digging of my own watery grave” diarrhea. This isn’t exactly the imagery one wishes to experience before sitting down to eat.

Unfortunately, this isn’t an instance where taste overcame textural flaws. The outer part of the thigh is slimy and gross, while the middle is ultra dry. While the law of averages seems to indicate this would provide perfect balance, the law of taste has different ideas. It was like dabbing a cotton ball in sewage. The only potentially good experience I came away with was that I couldn’t even get enough of this garbage down to experience the digestive horrors I envisioned when removing it from the oven.

Even worse, the horrific taste isn’t the only torturous part of the experience. The recommended cook time for a frozen thigh is 50-60 minutes! Say what you will about microwaveable meals, but if it becomes instantly clear what you’re eating isn’t finishable, at least you only lost out on a few minutes.* After an hour of preparation (not to mention the massive wait which came from me trying to purchase groceries during a snowstorm which people seemed to think was gonna avalanche them in for all eternity) you just wanna take a nap, yet you can’t because all you can think about is how fucking hungry you still are.

Final Words:

Some may find it unnecessary to review a generic food product because logic seems to indicate the quality will be substandard. But I think I have clearly indicated in past reviews that I don’t have a particularly sophisticated pallet. I can handle a great deal as long as what I am eating actually tastes like food, as opposed to something that’s about as edible as the sludge you’d find at the bottom of a mop bucket at the end of a custodian’s shift.

Kroger actually has a few solid items (their Butterfinger Ice Cream is borderline delicious) but this isn’t one of them. These Boneless, Skinless  Chicken Thighs prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that culinary repulsion isn’t limited to one appliance.

Pros:

• Nothing

Cons:

• Everything

Final score: 0.3/10 (Jesus H. Christ in Low Rise Jeans, this is terrible!)

*In the interest of fairness, I feel I should point out this product can, in fact, be microwaved so one could easily dismiss my complaint of cooking time. Regardless, it’s too awful to eat regardless of how you go about preparing it.