The thing about Ace Lo-Cal that initially caught my eye was the horrible can. Ridden with bullet holes, World War II plane decorations, playing cards, and a pinup model from somewhere in 1922 riding a bomb, this is one of the most awful cans I’ve ever seen.
But it’s also completely bad ass! Seriously, there’s a cowgirl riding a bomb.
Straight from the can:
It’s a dog fight out there! To win, you need to stay sharp.
Crack open an Ace Energy for an immediate physical and mental lift. Ace will get you flying high and keep you in control.
Throw down an ace!
Man, this is going to be terrible!
Surprisingly enough, Ace doesn’t smell acrid or disgusting at all. I half expected the bitter aroma of nuclear warfare combined with the sourness of a 1920s pinup girl’s expired feminine secretions. Luckily for me, the smell of chemical death was completely absent from Ace, and it instead smells fairly tasty. The aroma is primarily sweet with a slight sourness. Despite being obviously artificial it is much better than I had expected and is actually pretty appetizing. I wish they would’ve included the pinup girl’s odor, though.
The flavor, on the other hand, is disgusting. The heavy liquid possesses a painful bitterness from over carbonation, and the flavor is horribly artificial. After you force yourself to swallow the disgusting drink you’ll find a horrible and overwhelming aftertaste that just won’t go away. Ace also leaves a starchy residue that coats your mouth as badly as the 90-year-old cowgirl’s sexual gravy would. Yes, I said sexual gravy in an energy drink review.
I’ll be honest, I couldn’t finish my can of Ace Lo-Cal. It was gross enough on its own merits, but I completely slaughtered any chances I’d had of finishing it by saying sexual gravy. Because I have failed in my attempt to guzzle the whole can into my stomach, which honestly didn’t deserve the little abuse I put it through, I will skip assessing the kick and it would be impossible to accurately rate it based on the 1/3 of the can I somehow managed to drink.
In terms of value, Ace Lo-Cal comes in a 16 oz, double-serving can with an SRP of the industry standard $1.99. Though it is average in cost, the value is minimal. You won’t be able to drink this whole thing, and if you do it won’t be an enjoyable task.
Final Words:
Ace Lo-Cal is terrible. Despite its attractive aroma, there is nothing enticing or appealing about this drink’s taste or texture. It is carbonated too heavily, gives a medicinal burn, and leaves an atrocious aftertaste thanks to all of the artificial sweeteners. This one definitely isn’t worth your money.
Pros
- It smells pretty good…
Cons
- Literally everything else
Score: 4.3/10 (Disgusting)
Aroma: 7.5/10
Taste: 2.0/10
Kick: N/A
Value: 3.5/10
That is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone use the term sexual gravy. And to make sure it’s the last, I’m going to shoot myself in the head. Cross your fingers, I hope I don’t miss…
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You should really trademark/copyright “sexual gravy” so that I have to pay you in order to use it, which I might.
I am a linguistic engineer who constantly advances our language for the better of all Americans, not just for my own benefit. Consider sexual gravy public property.
Lo calorie energy drinks always taste like shit. It’s a very well-known fact.
Where did you even manage to find this stuff? From some stuff I’ve seen online, it was apparently an energy drink that was to be marketed on military bases, but I can’t find any references to it after about 2007. I ran into some at a Big Lots clearance store a while back, and it seems to have … mellowed with age, I guess. It’s a lot like drinking liquid Sweetarts now. I would actually consider buying some more – if you told me where you found it!