Overview:

Pound cakes are possibly the most useful food item on the face of this planet. They can be used as paper weights, door stops, kids like to throw them at passing trains, mobsters tie them to the feet of disloyal clients before dropping them into the nearest river, and starving homeless people bash pizza delivery boys over the head with them to get some chow. But aside from these extremely practical uses, the pound cakes themselves can actually be eaten and are honestly quite delicious despite weighing as much as a morbidly obese hamster.

For years people have experimented with new flavors to add to their standard pound cake recipe, and while adding Orange Crush and other Sodas to their usual list of ingredients is nothing new, this is the first time I’ve seen a pre-made and pre-packaged Orange Crush flavored pound cake on store shelves. Being a huge fan of anything that causes weight gain, I grabbed a couple to review.

Review:

When looking through the minimally decorated plastic wrapper at the orange cake, I noticed that the cake appeared to be unbearably greasy. I always try to be as optimistic as possible so I just figured that it wouldn’t be dry at least. After tearing open the clear packaging and pulling out the heavy cake I was surprised to see that it wasn’t greasy, simply moist.

The mixture of Crush Soda with the traditional vanilla flavoring found in the majority of all pound cake recipes creates and absolutely delicious flavor and aroma that pleases the taste buds in a very sensual way. The cake itself is very soft and perfectly moist, though it sits a little heavy in the stomach which made me feel very full and honestly a little sick.

I don’t recommend eating the entire cake in one sitting, though if you don’t you’ll likely be dealt to a load of dry, rubbery bread when you finally get around to eating it. I guess you really can’t have your pound cake and eat it too! Eh?

Though wasting part of the cake won’t likely be a big deal since the entire loaf is relatively cheap at $1.00, creating a killer value. A buck for a delicious snack that’ll actually fill you up is pretty impressive, not to mention the immensely versatile nature of the pound cake.

But don’t think even for a second that Crush Pound Cakes are perfect. As with just about everything in today’s world, pound cakes have their fair share of negative side effects. The most prominent effect is that abuse of the pound cake will result in super morbid obesity. Followed by death. Then your body may be sexually defiled by a necrophile with a fat fetish. Which is just sick.

Final Words:

Crush Pound Cakes are delicious and cheap and can be used for just about anything. Hell, they could even be a date-rape drug if used properly, though an unconventional one. There’s no way you’re gonna be able to sneak a brick-sized chunk of orange bread into any girls’ drink, rather I suggest you simply crack her in the back of the skull with it.

Works every time. … So I’ve heard.

Pros

• Delicious and very cheap
• Great orange-soda flavor mixed with creamy vanilla
• Makes a great hammer, door stop, paper weight, or cheap roofie substitute

Cons

• Makes your tummy sick
• Getting arrested after using it as a date-rape drug

Score: 8.75/10 (Great)