The results are officially off the wire, and they have declared me, Clay Cunningham, and, most importantly, “First Kid” the winner of the first ever “Master Debate.”

These last few days have been rough on me, with the constant campaigning creating many sleepless nights. What’s worse is that on the rare occasions when sleep did occur, I would quickly be awoken from my slumber, drenched in frigid sweat, as all I could dream of was living in a nightmarish world where people were more inclined to vote for “Blank Check.” Luckily for all of us, that world will never come to be.

What I will cherish the most are the stories that have been shared with me by the voting public. Like the story of Sara, a young prostitute from Ohio who has searched for deeper meaning in life but came away empty handed when diving into the world of family, friends and religion. But after reading my argument, she began a frantic rental search for “First Kid” that finally ended at a Blockbuster store in Annapolis, Maryland. Well, suffice it to say, her life has quickly changed for the better, as she recently signed up to take the MCAT’s. Good luck, Sara.

However, nothing could top the harrowing story of a young girl who, for safety reasons, asked only to be referred to as “A.” Growing up in a war ravaged foreign land, the only sound “A” and her sister had to drown out the gunfire of their homeland was the DVD import of “First Kid” they were able to smuggle into the country. The glowing democracy depicted in the film made the sisters dream of a life in America.

Sadly, when they did arrive in the U.S of A, they struggled to find large sums of people who shared their enthusiasm for this film. Just when she was about to leave, “A” found “The Master Debate” and her faith in the world depicted in the film was restored. I’ll never forget when she emailed me saying “Clay, if the opportunity were ever to arise, I would leap in front of a bullet for you, much like Agent Simms did for young Luke at the end of ‘First Kid.'” Well “A,” a few weeks ago I would have thought my assassination was imminent, but if the results of this debate are any indication, the world just got a lot safer for idealists like you and I.

So once again, thanks to all who voted. I’d love to stay and gush further, but it’s celebration time, and I am going to celebrate the only way I know how; by working an eight hour shift as a Kroger cashier.

Looks like I win again.