Overview:

Energy drinks can make your breath smell really bad. Especially the energy coffees. So when you’ve just downed that can of Java Monster and you have that atrocious coffee breath, you’re gonna want some mints. But you don’t want just any old mints, no. You want mints that’ll fill your veins with even more caffeine!

Now if that’s the case the there are plenty of delicious options out there. Anything with the word Jolt on it is usually pretty good, BAWLS mints are decent, Ice Breakers Energy are the best I’ve had, and so on. Vojo Extreme Energy Mints are not one of those delicious options I just mentioned. In fact, these are a prime example of the kind of caffeinated candies you want to stay away from. Click Read More to find out why.

Review:

You really clicked Read More? You couldn’t just take my word for it? You want to know exactly why you never want to put these little demon mints in your mouth? Fine!

They come packaged in a black and orange Tic-Tac type container, the black portion which makes up the main body of the package is extremely soft and smooth. It feels really nice to touch. In fact, it’s so soft and smooth I have one theory as to what it’s made out of. Severed baby ass skin. That’s right, it’s entirely possible that the devil worshiping bastards behind this horrible product murdered millions of innocent babies just to make an appealing container with which to stuff their nasty little mints. Don’t support the slaughter of infants for their ass skin.

And they taste horrible. At first you’ll think, “Hey this isn’t bad! Zac Pritcher doesn’t know wh–ughh! Oh God I’m bleeding!!!” and then you’ll die. Maybe you won’t die, but you’ll wish for death. It’s the nastiest, most bitter after taste I’ve ever run across in my entire life. And I’ve eaten stuff like tree bark, poison ivy, and rocks. Don’t ask why. But it is entirely obvious that the manufacturers trap the souls of the dead infants inside these little mints, invite R. Kelley over for the finishing flavors to be added (if you didn’t get that joke, I’m talking about urine) and shipped to stores where they are sold to people who are either blind, uninformed, or sadistic. I pitty the blind, attempt to inform the uninformed and envy the sadists.

Not yet convinced? What are mints supposed to do? Make your breath smell yummy, right? That’s what I thought would happen when I popped my first Vojo. But I was wrong. Horribly wrong. When you eat Vojo Extreme Energy Mints you may think they are flavored with the blood of the toddlers whose souls you just attempted to devour. Worry not, though, I don’t think the FDA would allow that one to pass. The reason you are tasting blood is because your taste buds are committing mass suicide, not because of the mints. But it’s a good thing your mouth is full of blood because otherwise you would be forced to taste these horrible candies. More like Vojo Extreme Energy Shit.

They fail in value, too. Not because they were expensive or anything. Just because they are so freakin bad. Don’t buy them.

Final Words:

Vojo Extreme Energy Mints cause war, cancer, promote abortion and cannibalism, and are possibly the cause behind the Salem witch trials*.

Pros

• …

Cons

• Dead babies
• Vomit

Score:

Overall: 2.3/10 (Horrifying)

Taste: 2/10 (Add 8 to this score if you enjoy drinking blood and devouring human souls)
Effectiveness: 3/10 (Add 7 to this score if you are trying to give your grandma a seizure when she kisses you)
Value: 2/10 (Add 8 to this score if you usually spend your money on dead hookers covered in fecal matter)