It can be hard to find a good burger. I don’t mean a tasty burger. I don’t mean a cheap burger. I mean a delicious, juicy, fully satisfying burger topped with plenty of crisp veggies and stuffed between a flavorful bun. Burgers like that are hard to come by. Unless, of course, you live anywhere near a Five Guys restaurant.

I had originally heard about Five Guys from a post on Grub Grade and my mind was clouded with nothing but thoughts of the delicious-looking burgers ever since. I had finally gotten my chance to satisfy my insane hunger for Five Guys during a trip to Cincinnati to see Marcy Playground. In all honesty, words can hardly describe how delicious the meal was, so I’ve included a few pictures to help me out a little.

If you’re wondering why it has taken me so long to get this review published (I ate Five Guys in July of ’09) it’s simply because my computer crashed and burned everything in the mess. Pictures, music, porno, school work, games, programs, porno, and everything else was gone. The most devastating loss, however, was easily my porno.

Anyway, I recently discovered that I still had tons of pictures on my digital camera’s memory stick, which I somehow forgot, and amongst the surviving images were my memories of Five Guys. I also recalled an old promise I made to Marvo from The Impulsive Buy that I would review the eating establishment. In an attempt to get him to call off the hit he placed on my head for lying to him, I decided to post my review for the restaurant that instantly became my favorite fast food/casual eating establishment of all time.

Five Guys offers only four menu-listed  burgers — Hamburger, Cheeseburger, Bacon Burger, and Bacon Cheeseburger — in one of two sizes, regular or little. Don’t let the fact that there are only four different sandwiches listed fool you into thinking there is little in terms of potential variety, because there is a massive list of free toppings to choose from to ensure everyone gets exactly the burger they want.

Mayo, relish, onions, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, ketchup, mustard, jalapeno peppers, green peppers, A1 Sauce, Bar-B-Q Sauce, and hot sauce are all at your disposal, submitting themselves to your desires. It is actually kind of intimidating trying to think of a delicious topping combo during your first visit to Five Guys, but the end product is guaranteed to be rewarding.

I got a regular Cheeseburger with mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, onions, mushrooms and jalapeno peppers. I can’t even come close to describing how delicious it was. Perfectly cooked and beyond juicy, the beef patty was explosively flavorful and tender, if not a little greasy (but who doesn’t love a greasy burger?). The condiments were all fresh and applied in perfect amounts. The onions held powerful flavors and the mushrooms were grilled to perfection. The jalapenos were crisp and full of flavor, giving a wonderful sense of heat to the overall package as well as providing an excellent crunching texture, which just made the burger that much more satisfying.

In addition to burgers, you can also order from a variety of plump, juicy hot dogs. Even vegetarians can find something at Five Guys in the form of their Veggie Grilled Cheese. But who cares about all that? The place is subtitled Burgers and Fries, not Burgers and Hot Dogs and Grilled Cheese. Let’s talk about the fries.

Two varieties are offered, regular or Cajun. Since I love a spicy kick with my taters, I opted to get the Cajun Fries, and I wasn’t disappointed in the least. They were fresh and crispy, perfectly cooked and seasoned to wonderful perfection. The entire cup of spicy spuds was consistently pleasant, every fry being as delicious as the one before it. These are quite possibly the best french fries I have ever had, no exaggeration.

Final Words:

If you’re the kind of person who appreciates a juicy, flavorful, and perfectly assembled burger and you have never been to a Five Guys before, you need to go now. Right now. Five Guys offers some of the most delicious burgers and fries I’ve ever had the pleasure of eating. I have never been as fully satisfied in my entire life as I was after indulging upon the delicious sandwich this fabulous establishment made for me. I highly, highly recommend making a trip if there is one within an hour’s drive. It’s totally worth it.

Pros

• Delicious, meaty, juicy patties of beef
• Soft, flavorful bun
• Fresh toppings
• Perfectly seasoned fries
• Mmmmmm…

Cons

• Burger may be a little too greasy for some
• The closest one to me is four hours away 🙁

Score: 9.5/10 (Outstanding)

My friend Tate's depiction of the $1 bill. Bringing sexy back.