Overview:

After suffering for about three years, this site has finally given me an outlet to vent about what is arguably the most horrific film viewing experience I have ever had. The time has finally come for me to recount the hatred of life I experienced while viewing “High Tension,” the single worst movie that I, or anyone for that matter, has ever seen.

Review:

In “High Tension,” best friends Alexia and Marie go away for a weekend at Marie’s parent’s home. Alexia has a lesbian crush on Marie, a fact that she is unaware of. Her plans to inform her friend of these feelings are derailed when a mouth breathing psychopath (presumably the filmmakers way of acknowledging that only a mouth breathing dip shit would enjoy their film) hacks up Marie’s parents and forces the friends to go on the run.

I know the ethical thing to do when writing a movie review is to not spoil what surprises the film holds. But this movie is different. I saw it nearly three years ago and I still roam the streets in a state of chronic depression over the realization that I actually dedicated time to watching this crap! So, as a mercy mission, I am going to spoil the ending so that anyone who hasn’t seen it won’t have to endure the same nightmare I did.
It turns out that the killer is Alexia’s split-personality. This is an ending done to death in horror/suspense movies and is usually stupid. “High Tension” takes the stupidity of the ending to a whole new level. The revelation comes minutes after a car chase scene where the killer is chasing Alexia, who is driving a van with Marie in back. So if we are to believe what we’re eventually told, she is in a car chase with herself!

In 2002, there was a brilliant comedy about screenwriting called “Adaptation” in which a lovable loser character, who was trying to write a suspense film, used an ending where a cop and a criminal, who were the same person, got in a chase with each other. “Adaptation” uses this as a joke to acknowledge that no one with a single functional brain cell would accept this as a good “twist” ending. Sadly, this joke was put to actual use when “Tension” was released three years later. It would almost be worth it to have the producers of “Adaptation” sue the producers of “High Tension” for copyright infringement, but that would only force good filmmakers to watch the dreck made by people who are cheapening their profession, and they don’t deserve that.

An acquaintance of mine (he was a friend, but was downgraded after telling me he liked this movie) tried to argue with me that the ending was just to symbolize Alexia’s decent into insanity. Even if that were justification for the filmmakers screwing with us the way they did, there is a moment at the beginning of the film that completely discredits this already flawed argument.

In the beginning, as the girls drive to their destination, there is a shot of the killer sitting in his truck outside of the parent’s house, where he tosses a decapitated head (which he used for fellatio) out the window. With Alexia, who was the killer mind you, in the car on the way to the house, who exactly was outside throwing the head out of the window? Check and mate.

Final Thoughts:

I am normally someone who allows people to believe what they want to believe but not in this instance. If you like “High Tension,” you’re a moron, plain and simple. If just one of the nine or so people who read this avoids ever watching this hunk of shit because of this review, I would officially have to declare myself one of the great humanitarians of my generation. This move is, without hyperbole, the single worst accomplishment in the history of the entertainment industry!

Pros:

• Looking down on people who like this movie and having the knowledge that you are smarter than them.

Cons:

• I think those are pretty well documented above

Score:

Overall: -17/10 (Meaning it’s on par with having someone vomit in your mouth)

Acting: 0/10 (The performances are ok, but the actors lose points for agreeing to star in this movie. I know actors need work, but this movie is less dignified than animal pornography, which I’m sure is an industry they could have gotten work in.)
Direction: -5/10 (It’s somewhat skillfully directed, but director Alexandre Aja co-wrote the screenplay. There’s no coming back from that.)
Screenplay: -infinity/10 (The awfulness of this screenplay simply cannot be measured. The worst idea to ever be put to paper.)

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